Self belief…..I do need some!

It’s been a bit of a crappy few weeks if I’m honest. I’ve managed to get myself so run down that the bugs of the ‘winter’ have been at me. I’ve been feeling unwell on and off for about a month and I was really starting to get worried. I went to the doctors yesterday and she said that there is a lot of horrid bugs about and just to rest and recoup. I have done that and I’m looking forward to work tomorrow and hopefully nothing will come back and get me!

I’ve been stressing about everything and I mean everything. I really need to learn to chill and let life wash over me and go with the flow. Unfortunately or fortunately, whichever way you may view it, I am a massive thinker. I never used to be but I think the last couple of years have made me question rather a lot of things. I worry constantly that I’m not doing well enough be it work, kids, diet, friends or whatever. I worry about being on my own and worrying that what I do affects me and the boys. Thankfully they are wonderful kids who cause me very little worry. They do their work, they exist along side me in a harmonious(ish) way and for that I am truly thankful. If they were a pain, life would be doubly hard.

My anxiety has been top notch recently too. I have been stressing about these kidney cysts I’ve been told I have. I asked the doctor on Tuesday if they had heard anything back from the consultant and apparently I was referred on the 9th of this month so fingers crossed they get on with seeing me and we can sort the buggers out! I just want to know if they’re still there and what they expect to do with them if they are. Hmmm we shall see and to deal with the anxiety around that, I will keep myself busy!

My degree starts on 4th October and I’ve been using the last couple of days to do some investigating on the OU website. It all looks bloody scary to me and I’ve had a sneaky peak at the assessments and they don’t look too bad. I think the child psychology module is going to tie in well with the knowledge I already have. I love psychology and I love child development and all the interesting factors that go with it so I will be going for it. I will be going for top marks! I’m worried about the writing and the academia but I will give it my best shot!

On a positive note, I’m smashing this slimming world shizzle. I’ve lost 17lbs so far and I’m feeling really good. I’m trying to cook different stuff and being a bit more adventurous. I will have to be a bit more prepared once the hard work starts. I shall be making more use of the slow cooker that’s for sure!

I’m really wanting my new boobs so that’s keeping me focussed and I know that once you start to lose the weight it does become a bit more perpetuating. I love success in whatever I do so to actually start to see results is awesome. I’ve lost 4 inches off my waist and the odd inch here and there so it’s happy days. I’m starting to see my buddha belly disappear and I’m starting to feel a bit more confident. Now all I need to do is try to squeeze some exercise in. I think the only time will be first thing in the morning so we shall see what happens there! It’s taken me such a long time to get to where I am now in my head and once I get my kidneys sorted, I’ll be very happy again.

So that’s me for now. I don’t even know if anyone actually reads my drivel but if it helps someone, I’ll be really happy with that!

Lots of love,
Viv xxxxx

It’s all on!!!!

I just can’t believe how quickly time passes by. It’s over a month since I wrote on here……eeek!

I have been to see the plastic surgeon about the new boobs and it was a really positive experience. Never fails to amaze me how late they are at this hospital for appointments but hey it’s okay, I was so excited I didn’t really care! When we eventually got in the room I was stripped off again and another gown put on!!! The consultant came in and she examined me again. She was really happy to see us, it was pretty much a year to the day that I was last there. That was weird. She made me do a sit up to feel my tummy muscles and said that I was very fit (Hahaha yeh right). She said that there may be a possibility of being able to do the op from my back muscle which would be great as the recovery time is less and I wouldn’t end up with my stretchmarky belly on my chest! Hmmmm that got me thinking, I’d be really happy if she could do that op. I don’t want implants again so as long as it can be done without them I think I’d be happy. So an appointment in a years time was agreed as I still have to lose 4 stone 12lbs before I’m operation ready. She said that if I lose the weight before that time, to come back before but also if I need longer then I should just make it later. They are so flexible and this time there is less pressure plus the fact I’m 1/2lb off my first stone, I feel much more positive about the weight loss this time. The Slimming World referral ran out last Monday so now I’m going to have to pay for it myself, I know I’ll get my arse in gear and get on with it.

I also had my follow up appointment from the ablation I had in March this year. This was at the end of August and the consultant couldn’t believe that I was being seen in August! She was sat there telling me that everything was fine etc, then looked at my scans and told me that I have a 5.5cm cyst on my left kidney and a 6.5cm cyst on my right kidney! She saw the colour drain out of my face and said that they are nothing to worry about and she would write to my GP to say about them. But she also couldn’t believe that nobody had gone through the scan results with me. This scan was done in JANUARY so goodness only knows what’s going on in there now! So a trip to my GP followed and she is going to write to a consultant to see what she should do about it! I am so anxious about what they are going to say. I have a feeling another op my be coming my way to drain them but I’m not going to stress about it. Who knows, they may say just leave them but cysts anywhere can’t be a good thing so we will see. If they say they won’t scan me, I shall go private because I can’t live with knowing that something is there but I don’t know how big or where. Kidneys don’t repair so if any damage is going to be done then it needs to be sorted now rather than wait for something to go wrong. Plus the fact cancer makes you bloody paranoid about everything!

I’ve been feeling a bit miserable lately. I’m not sure why because everything is okay. There are things in my life at the moment that are testing me but nothing is unresolvable and with a bit of courage and leaps of faith I can achieve whatever I want to. It’s down to me at the end of the day and I do tell myself to get a grip often. But as many know, it’s not always that easy! We can achieve things, sometimes you just need to get a break and one will come my way soon, I have faith in that! Life is what I make it!

I seem to be accepting my body more at the moment. Although it’s still the first thought of the day and probably my last every night, things are easing and I have a wardrobe of clothes that I now feel comfortable in after my ditching of anything that made me feel crap!

I met an incredible lady today whose courage and strength shine through the hard times. She is an inspiration and completely lovely! I’m so happy to have her in my life. You know who you are!!!! xxxxxxx

So half a lb until my stone in weight lost. Fingers crossed it goes on Monday, that should make me feel a bit more positive!

Lots of love
xxxxx