Meltdownville

I just read back my last post and I should have seen the couple of weeks I just had, coming!

Positives first! The doctor got back to me about my kidney cysts and they don’t want to do anything about them at the moment. If they become symptomatic they will have a look but for now, they don’t want to open the can of worms. To be honest I’m happy with that and have successfully managed to push it to the back of my mind. I can’t face any more prodding and scanning for now!

Now to the real shizzle. I have felt myself getting more and more low and fed up over the last couple of weeks. I hit a real rock bottom last week, I seemed to just cry and cry and didn’t really know why! I do know really, I just pile as much as I can on myself until I crack. I think I’ve worked out that because this terrible thing happened (breast cancer and mastectomy) and I now feel that I need to break my neck to get to this perfection that I imagine I need to have in life! A good example is the degree thing. I basically wrapped 6 years of my life up! That’s not what I want right now. I have therefore deferred for a year. It’ll still be there, I need to do it for the right reasons. What I want right now is to be losing weight to get my reconstruction done. I need to be going to the gym in my free time and taking time out to cook good food and spend time with my kids, while they still want to know me!!!!! I just need to live in an unpressurised way!

I’ve barely dragged myself through the last few weeks. No housework’s been done, there was crap everywhere so today I have started to sort some of it out! I have had such a bad stomach this week. I do believe it’s stress related. I went out for dinner last night with my Dad and one of my sons and I had to go home after an unfortunate toilet incident (sorry over share!) and felt so dizzy and rubbish. I think it’s stress, I really do! Today I do feel better and a bit more in control. Even work, which is normally my saviour, has been hard. I never find work hard so that’s been making me realise how crap I’ve felt.

I am a worrier, that’s a given but I need to stop spending all my time worrying and more time living. There are some things I have no control over. I can only earn the money I do, that’s not going to change so what I need to do is worry about the changeable things. I can lose this weight, I am losing this weight. I am up to 1 stone 5lbs now and I am chuffed with that! I can do more exercise and plan my meals better, write a food diary and stay in control that way. I need this operation as soon as is humanly possible so I need to pull my finger out and get on with it.

This week I am going to start concentrating on the important stuff. Baby steps is what I need and to be a bit kinder to myself. I’m going to see my lovely counsellor on Tuesday so hopefully I can get her opinion on what’s been happening.

Operation ‘It’s all about the tits’ is beginning big style this week!!!!!

Lots of love,
Viv xxxxx