Oh gosh where to start for the last few days!
I never factored getting the cold/fluey thing 4 days before surgery! That’s what happens when you share an office space with 354 sneezing teenage boys. Each one I spoke to the week previous to my surgery was coughing over me. I made them alcohol their hands every time they came near me! Poor things. Unfortunately it didn’t work because on Thursday night my throat was feeling distinctly cold like!!!! During the day on Friday at work, I felt pretty dreadful and spent the whole day rushing around trying to get everything sorted so they would cope without me for at least a week at work. Haha I’m sure they will!
After coming home on Friday, I stocked up at Tesco on every cold and flu remedy I could possibly find. In fact £34 worth so not too shabby! I started to take it all and by Sunday I was starting to feel moderately human again. I was panicking though that this thing was going to my chest and that would be game over as far as the op wwas concerned. By Monday things had improved even further and with no sign of it going on to my chest, I decided to go for it on Turesday. I wasn’t due in until the afternoon so that gave me even more time to steam my nose and chest!!!!
Here is the before pics, I’ll post some after pics when you can see the results better.
I got into the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. It was busy and dusty due to building work but it was okay. All the ladies in the waiting room were on good form and we had a bit of a laugh. I concentrated my efforts on a sweet lady who had never had an op before and kept trying to run away. I chatted to her and made her laugh until they were ready to take her for her gallbladder op. I saw the nurse, surgeon and anaesthetist and they were all happy with how I was so it was all systems go! I did mention to the anaesthetist that I was on the tail end of a cold, but he said that so long as I could breathe and felt well, there would be no problem.
I had felt completely up together for all this time but as soon as I went into the anaesthetic room my I started to feel bloody terrified. I know that I have no veins. I didn’t have chemo or rads but I think that when I had my infection after my mastectomy, they couldn’t get cannulas to stay viable on my left arm and because of the lymphoedema, the left arm is the only option. It’s either that or my feet. I ended up having most of my drips and stuff in my feet after my mastectomy. The aneathetist went for the first go at my hand and said that my veins were “challenging” so he would have to have another go! This was the point were I completely lost the plot! I started to cry and said that I wanted to go home and this was all for vanity I didn’t need to have it done. I was really really scared and felt so distressed I was hyperventilating. The consultant had already been in and drawn on me again and I think she knew I was scared as she barely spoke to me. In the end they had to give me gas to knock me out because I just couldn’t cope with the pain in my hand and also I kept having really bad flashbacks from the last time I was there. My arm ended up black and blue last time because they had to have so many goes, so to be honest I was glad to go off to sleep before they put me through anything else.
I woke up about an hour later feeling okay and not in too much pain which was good. I woke up quite quickly and the nurse did say she was impressed by my wake up skills! That didn’t last long though as I had a piece of toast and a cup of tea and then Sylvia came to get me. I don’t actually remember going home. The first thing I properly remember is eating egg and chips that Matty had made me! I’ve never been a big one for morphine but they did give me some to come home with. I was quite glad of it for that evening and the next day. The pain was excruciating under my arm pit and still is the most painful place moving around.
Since the op I’ve been feeling quite strange. One part of me is excited that I now have had the surgery I wanted and I’m going to get the body I want. With that I mean I can lose weight and be more of an athletic shape rather than with boobs. The other part of me is sad that that is it for my reconstruction plans for the foreseeable future. Whilst I would never say never, I have now been through more than enough to last a life time and if I never have to see that hospital again it would be too soon. I couldn’t go through that major surgery just to have mounds, because that’s all they are. I would be happier once I have lost the weight to have some smaller prosthetics to wear on special occasions. I will start to look into that once I get closer to where I want to be.
I have found the whole experience of the last week quite a shock to my system. I didn’t expect the incisions to be so massive and so painful. I’ve spent quite a lot of time just upset, no explanation, just upset! So that coupled with a really bad cold that’s now moved to my chest, it’s been hard work. Thank goodness I have such wonderful family and friends. I couldn’t have done any of it without them. I’ve had lunch of wheels and flowers brought and just been loved beyond all I could ask for.
I have to regain my confidence too because with every surgery I have had, I get the confidence knocked out of me. I need to get a bit with it and get out for a few walks this week and not be so anxious. My shoulder is doing much better and I’m looking forward to seeing the physio this week so I can show her my progress. Then I will join the gym and get back to it.
So I guess now this blog is going to be mainly about my life flat and fabulous and I hope that I can focus more on clothes and where I am at to get my body where I would like it to be. I feel like I want to cherish it more and look after it after all it’s done for me. I don’t blame my body for the cancer and everything, I’m utterly convinced that what happened certainly wasn’t helped by my lifestyle and all the years of drinking and eating crap food. This is a new dawn and a new era (I have many of those!!!!). So much is going to be happening with the kids this year, preparing for university and sorting their next challenges out. It’s scary for all of us really!
The biggest thing I need to tell myself and have it on repeat, is that I am enough! I don’t have to be a crazy, amazing superwoman. I need to be happy and enjoy being. That’s enough to work on on it’s own!!!!
Here’s looking forward.
Lots of love,