Tits in a bag!

That’s what I’ve been up to on my week off!  I will explain!

I have decided to give the old foobs another go!  This breast cancer/mastectomy lark is a real game of many parts.  I remember way back when wondering when it would all be ‘over’.  The truth is and the conclusion that I have come to is that it’s actually never going to be ‘over’.  It’s a part of me now and I am slowly accepting that.  You have to go on this journey through your feelings and how various bits affect you.  I have never been a fan of the foobs.  (For those who don’t know, this is the false boobs you are given by the prosthetics nurse or indeed knitted knockers or any other kind of false breast form!!!).

I have got special bras that cost a bloody fortune but I’ve never really felt comfy in them.  I went to Marks and Spencers with my lovely friend and I tried on all manner of styles and cup sizes!  I managed to find 2 that I really liked so I made the purchase.  So the tits in a bag title was just that!  I stuck my silicone foobs in a Tesco bag and off we went!  You can’t make it up sometimes, you really can’t.  I think the poor woman in M&S thought I was a bit nuts. I forget sometimes how much my lymphoedema gets in the way too.  I can’t reach up too many times or my arm feels painful.  Also carrying heavyish bags makes my arm hurt.  It does annoy me but it’s a small price to pay for being here!

I have ended up with my boobs under my chin before now when wearing the really light ones because when you have had a double mastectomy, there is nothing to keep a bra down.  It’s all good though and I was really happy with the silicone ones. It’s just the putting them in every day and feeling all day as if I have to check they are still in.  First world problems really but it’s a weird feeling thinking your silicone tit could make an appearance at any moment.  I road tested them at work yesterday and the ladies in our office thought they were great and looked very natural and perky.  The big test was going out with my Dad last night to his yacht club!  I was very nervous but it was okay.  The restaurant manager liked them and everyone had a squish……….they are quite fascinating if you’ve never seen them before!!!!!  Haha!  I think I am going to look into getting some others but one thing at a time.  The scary thing is going to work on Monday with all the boys in school.  I doubt they will notice one way or another but it’ll be like going in with a new hair do, wondering if anyone will notice!  We shall see but they do make me feel better so I shall give it a really good go!

I am back to Slimming World properly again now!  I’ve buggered about with it and now I’m setting myself some small goals and challenges.  The 2 challenges before Christmas are to lose 8lbs by then and also to eat no chocolate before then either!  The chocolate thing is easy because once I commit to something then that’s it.  I signed an agreement with a friend and they are going to kick my ass when I’m bad and keep checking in and I have agreed to try and lose a whole 6 stone in one year.  While I am not going to beat myself up if I don’t (it’s a loose agreement), it can be done as one of my amazing friends has proved.  I need to commit to doing this for myself and not for anyone else.  It’s a funny old game this weight loss business because really if I’m honest, it’s going to be something that I have to do all my life, not just for a year.  As I have proved to myself before, I can lose it and gain it all back in a fairly short space of time!  It’s a lifetime change.  I’ll never be able to eat what I want, it’s as simple as that!  I went to aqua fit which was hilarious and also to the gym once this week too!  I’ve just got to start shifting my butt!!!!!

I want to eat for good health and that’s what I’m focussing on the most.  I’m trying to cut out as much sugar as much as possible and actually saying no chocolate cuts out most of the sugar I consume.  There is still sugar in cereal bars and that kind of stuff but at least it’s not so tempting as a bar of fruit and nut……….oh gosh I’m dribbling!

I’m thankful that pinktober is over too.  Whilst I don’t feel much about it either way, I do feel that there is discussion on every turn about breast cancer and sometimes you just don’t want it to be on every turn. Facebook has been full of it but having said that, it’s all been extremely tasteful and useful.  Showing your bra strap and all that jazz isn’t really helpful but some of the stuff has been awesome.  I wrote a bit for Annabel’s Angels and they put it on their public page and apparently it had over 4000 views.  Amazing.  If it helps one person, I would be so happy.  It brings people together that are stuck in the cancer world and that can only be a good thing!!!!

So that’s it from me for now!  I will let you know how the new boobs go down at work and fingers crossed I will have the guts to go for it!!!!!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

I’m giving up hospitals!!!!

Oh gosh where to start for the last few days!

I never factored getting the cold/fluey thing 4 days before surgery!  That’s what happens when you share an office space with 354 sneezing teenage boys.  Each one I spoke to the week previous to my surgery was coughing over me.  I made them alcohol their hands every time they came near me!  Poor things. Unfortunately it didn’t work because on Thursday night my throat was feeling distinctly cold like!!!!  During the day on Friday at work, I felt pretty dreadful and spent the whole day rushing around trying to get everything sorted so they would cope without me for at least a week at work. Haha I’m sure they will!

After coming home on Friday, I stocked up at Tesco on every cold and flu remedy I could possibly find.  In fact £34 worth so not too shabby!  I started to take it all and by Sunday I was starting to feel moderately human again.  I was panicking though that this thing was going to my chest and that would be game over as far as the op wwas concerned.  By Monday things had improved even further and with no sign of it going on to my chest, I decided to go for it on Turesday.  I wasn’t due in until the afternoon so that gave me even more time to steam my nose and chest!!!!

Here is the before pics, I’ll post some after pics when you can see the results better.

I got into the hospital on Tuesday afternoon.  It was busy and dusty due to building work but it was okay.  All the ladies in the waiting room were on good form and we had a bit of a laugh.  I concentrated my efforts on a sweet lady who had never had an op before and kept trying to run away.  I chatted to her and made her laugh until they were ready to take her for her gallbladder op.  I saw the nurse, surgeon and anaesthetist and they were all happy with how I was so it was all systems go!  I did mention to the anaesthetist that I was on the tail end of a cold, but he said that so long as I could breathe and felt well, there would be no problem.

I had felt completely up together for all this time but as soon as I went into the anaesthetic room my I started to feel bloody terrified.  I know that I have no veins.  I didn’t have chemo or rads but I think that when I had my infection after my mastectomy, they couldn’t get cannulas to stay viable on my left arm and because of the lymphoedema, the left arm is the only option.  It’s either that or my feet.  I ended up having most of my drips and stuff in my feet after my mastectomy.  The aneathetist went for the first go at my hand and said that my veins were “challenging” so he would have to have another go!  This was the point were I completely lost the plot!  I started to cry and said that I wanted to go home and this was all for vanity I didn’t need to have it done.  I was really really scared and felt so distressed I was hyperventilating.  The consultant had already been in and drawn on me again and I think she knew I was scared as she barely spoke to me.  In the end they had to give me gas to knock me out because I just couldn’t  cope with the pain in my hand and also I kept having really bad flashbacks from the last time I was there.  My arm ended up black and blue last time because they had to have so many goes, so to be honest I was glad to go off to sleep before they put me through anything else.

I woke up about an hour later feeling okay and not in too much pain which was good.  I woke up quite quickly and the nurse did say she was impressed by my wake up skills!  That didn’t last long though as I had a piece of toast and a cup of tea and then Sylvia came to get me.  I don’t actually remember going home. The first thing I properly remember is eating egg and chips that Matty had made me!  I’ve never been a big one for morphine but they did give me some to come home with.  I was quite glad of it for that evening and the next day.  The pain was excruciating under my arm pit and still is the most painful place moving around.

Since the op I’ve been feeling quite strange.  One part of me is excited that I now have had the surgery I wanted and I’m going to get the body I want.  With that I mean I can lose weight and be more of an athletic shape rather than with boobs.  The other part of me is sad that that is it for my reconstruction plans for the foreseeable future.  Whilst I would never say never, I have now been through more than enough to last a life time and if I never have to see that hospital again it would be too soon.  I couldn’t go through that major surgery just to have mounds, because that’s all they are.  I would be happier once I have lost the weight to have some smaller prosthetics to wear on special occasions.  I will start to look into that once I get closer to where I want to be.

I have found the whole experience of the last week quite a shock to my system.  I didn’t expect the incisions to be so massive and so painful.  I’ve spent quite a lot of time just upset, no explanation, just upset!  So that coupled with a really bad cold that’s now moved to my chest, it’s been hard work.  Thank goodness I have such wonderful family and friends.  I couldn’t have done any of it without them.  I’ve had lunch of wheels and flowers brought and just been loved beyond all I could ask for.

I have to regain my confidence too because with every surgery I have had, I get the confidence knocked out of me.  I need to get a bit with it and get out for a few walks this week and not be so anxious.  My shoulder is doing much better and I’m looking forward to seeing the physio this week so I can show her my progress. Then I will join the gym and get back to it.

So I guess now this blog is going to be mainly about my life flat and fabulous and I hope that I can focus more on clothes and where I am at to get my body where I would like it to be.  I feel like I want to cherish it more and look after it after all it’s done for me.  I don’t blame my body for the cancer and everything, I’m utterly convinced that what happened certainly wasn’t helped by my lifestyle and all the years of drinking and eating crap food.  This is a new dawn and a new era (I have many of those!!!!).  So much is going to be happening with the kids this year, preparing for university and sorting their next challenges out.  It’s scary for all of us really!

The biggest thing I need to tell myself and have it on repeat, is that I am enough!  I don’t have to be a crazy, amazing superwoman.  I need to be happy and enjoy being.  That’s enough to work on on it’s own!!!!

Here’s looking forward.

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Nip and Tuck!

Hi, another long gap between posts. Such a lot has happened!

We had a lovely holiday in Tenerife.  Seems like a lifetime ago now!  We got back from our holiday at 2.30am and I was in work by 9am the next day, then I never really left after that!  I’ve worked my socks off for the last few weeks and I’ve loved most of it!  I’ve learnt so much about the timetables for the kids and how it all works.  It’s awesome, another string to my bow.  I love learning new stuff and anything new is always exciting.

I went to see my breast surgeon on the 17th August to ask about scar revision surgery.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long while.  It’s taken nearly 14 months to just get the appointment. Every time I asked about it nothing happened so in the end I rang up and got a bit firm.  They sent the appointment really quickly!  I asked about having my dog ear and fatty bit on my chest removed and she agreed without argument.  She said she could do a bit of liposuction on my chest but I didn’t like the sound of that so she is going to cut it and remove any fat from there!  I am very concave on my right hand side where the implant that was in there got capsulated and she had to take muscle out when she removed the implant.  I think there may be a possibility of getting some fat pumped in but that’s another op I reckon! I will talk to the surgeon about this.  I am seeing her on Thursday of this week to sign a consent form so I will ask her then.

Weight wise, it’s not been going very well!  Haha!  I have managed to gain 9.5lbs in 4 weeks.  I gained 6.5lbs over my holiday, there was far too many yummy puddings and then for the following couple of weeks I just seemed to lose the plot!  I’ve been a lot better this week so fingers crossed!  I’ve had a complete restart with my slimming world on line graph and stuff!  I am going to keep my progress in the class but treating it as a fresh one.  I am going to ask for a new book this week to start complete and utter this week.  I’m in the right frame of mind and I shopped very mindfully this week too!  I find that a planned week is a successful week so fingers crossed.

I have been having physio and hydrotherapy on my shoulder.  It doesn’t seem to have done much good so I am going to see the doctor on the 22nd for a medication review so I am going to ask for a referral to the orthopaedic surgeon to be manipulated under anaesthetic. The success rate is quite good for a frozen shoulder so if I can save myself a year of pain, I’ll go for it!  Whether they will agree with this or not is another matter but it’s worth the discussion.

My kids did a great job with their exam results and they are now looking at universities for next year.  Our travels will take us to Plymouth and Essex Unis over the next few weeks so that’s exciting.  I just really really hope that I don’t have the boys too far apart!  I can see one at one side of the country and one at the other. I won’t know which way to turn!

I will write again after my surgery!  I’m sure all will be well and I will end up with a lovely flat chest and I can get on with my life!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Wedding, holiday, my body…………(contains mastectomy pics)

Hi, it’s the summer yay!  Well if you can dodge the rain you can count it as summer!

I’ve joined the most amazing closed facebook groups this week.  One being Flat & Fabulous and the other being Flat Friends!  Flat an Fabulous seems to be more widespread with the majority of the contributors being in the US whereas Flat Friends seems to be UK based.  I just love it.  I have never ever seen a more inspirational bunch of ladies in my life and the amount of help both of these groups have given me this last few weeks is phenomenal.  There’s a lot to be said for talking to people who know exactly what page you are on and everyone in their own unique way has ended up in the same boat, either living with one boob or no boobs!  In all the amazing diversity, I am thinking so fabulously different about myself, my body, what it means to me to live flat chested!  I even went and died my hair bright pink yesterday……..I’ve always wanted to do it and never had the guts.  I’ve found my guts!  Who does it harm to have pink hair?  Nobody, so now I have it!!!!  Pic below!!!!!

I have a wedding next weekend.  My beautiful cousin is getting married and I’m very excited to see all my family!  I’m also quite nervous too as most of them haven’t seen me since my surgery!  I don’t wear prosthetics as I hate them and actually I have accepted that flat is my new normal!  I am wearing this dress:

Obviously I’m not as thin as her but she has no chest either and I have bought a chiffon cover up to go over my shoulders.  I feel so amazing in this dress, I love it so I am super excited for the wedding.  I have a navy fascinator and light pink shoes!  It’s lovely!  So rare to feel so good in a dress!!!!

Holiday wise, I am going to Tenerife with one of my boys on the 4th August!  Again, it’s always a bit stressy because I haven’t got a bikini body but after buying goodness knows how many swimming costumes, I gave up and I’m going with my old faithfuls and one new cossie!  It’s okay but I do have a dog ear issue!  I think it’s okay though!

Things have not got any better with my shoulder.  I have had a cortisone injection but it doesn’t seem to have worked! I had it on Thursday morning and it’s now Sunday and it’s still agony!  I’ve tried to do the exercises that the physio gave me but it’s virtually impossible to sleep or do anything.  I’m fed up so I think when I see the physio again on Wednesday, she will refer me to the surgeon to get it manipulated.  I just can’t stand the pain, it’s so intense!

I am also due to see the breast surgeon on 17th August too!  I requested the appointment so that I can have some revision on my chest. I have an awesome left side but the right side has a very annoying dog ear (that I call my angel wing) and I would love to have it removed as it does stop me wearing anything sleeveless.  I think once I have that done and I’m happy I can concentrate on losing the weight for me to feel better boobless!!!!

Which brings me on to the effect the wonderful ladies on the facebook sites have had on me!  They are all stunningly beautiful in their own rights but seeing slimmer ladies without reconstruction has inspired me beyond anything before!  I can’t explain it but I think I this is where I want to be!  Ones figure can be lovely without the addition of stuck on breasts.  I am posting my pictures publicly for the first time as I am putting this blog out on the public Flat and Fabulous page!  I’m quite nervous about it but hey this me now!  The pics were taken about 18 months ago by a lovely young lady who wanted my pics for a photography degree project!  Hope you like them:

I look a bit mean and moody in the black and white one! I’m also pleased to say that I’ve lost 2 stone since then too!!!!

Hope this reaches a few more people now!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

I don’t know……..I just don’t!

Hi, sorry it’s been bloody ages since I wrote anything on here!  I’ve been in that dilemma again that I’ve written about so often.  Do I want my new boobs, don’t I want my new boobs???  That’s the million dollar question.  It drives me nuts.  Nobody knows what’s going round in my head every day and it is EVERY bloody day!  Although it isn’t the be all and end all and everyone says “just do what’s right for you”.  How the foof do I know what’s right for me!  One day I hate my body, the next day it doesn’t bother me.  One day I feel like a weirdo, the next day I couldn’t give a monkeys!!!  Arrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!  Bored of myself now!!!!

Trouble with cancer is that everyone thinks it’s ‘over’ now!  It isn’t, it isn’t at all!!!  Whilst cancer isn’t my life anymore, I just don’t feel like I can move on right now.  It’s nearly 3 years in August since I had my mastectomy but it still seems like yesterday!  I was looking through my facebook page for that time and it really brought it all home.  It was so horrendous especially having to have one implant removed and then it was this time 2 years ago that I had the other implant removed in the Harbour Hospital.  That was a bloody nightmare too and so much pain as they interfered with my muscle.

So my dilemma is, do I want to put myself through that pain again because it will be 100 times worse than that op, or do I count my blessings and see how I feel once the weight has gone.  It’s such a mind blow, it really is.  I don’t want to go on about it all the time but it’s just still so enormous in my life, I can’t put it to one side!

On the weight front, it was my birthday last Friday so I didn’t go to group as I had eaten just about as much cake as I could cram in for the whole week.  I know that if I had gone and gained for a second week in the row, I would have been gutted and wouldn’t have stayed.  So I’ve been good and walked to school and back 3 times last week and I will walk every day in the coming week so hopefully by the time I get to Thursday, I will have been good enough to see some positive results.  I need to try to drop down into the next stone soon so I have to lose about 10lbs in order to do that!  I’d like to try and do that before my cousins hen weekend which is on July 4th.  The girls that are going are all generally thin and gorgeous so will definitely be the fat one!!!  Haha, oh well, it doesn’t bother me enough really!  I could have a real bash at it though and try and get as much off as I can.  It’s still 8 weeks away.  I need to give myself a bloody good talking to!

I’m not very good at this weight loss lark but I think I need to give myself a break as I am still 2 stone lighter than I was this time last year so it’s all good.

I had a fantastic birthday.  I was spoilt rotten at work.  I got gifts and cards from lots of people, I needed a box to take them home.  I also got these beautiful flowers from my gorgeous friends in Australia.  I’ve never ever had flowers like them, I was so blown away.

Aren’t they just beautiful?  I had to go out and buy a vase to fit them in as I didn’t have one big enough.  Just so spoilt.

I spent the Saturday of my weekend sorting the garage out!  I just keep putting stuff in there so it’s time (now I can’t move in there) to have a clear out!  I pulled a unit out on my own which nearly killed me but I smashed it up and it was so satisfying.  I then got James out to help me get the wall units off as they were really heavy.  They ended just falling off so after faffing around with it I got the big saw out and destroyed them!!! This was the result!!!!

Then on the Saturday night we went to see Alan Carr in Poole.  He was brilliant and so funny!  I haven’t seen someone like him in such a long time where you laugh so much it hurts.  It was good.  My boss was there with his partner so it was good to see them too!

On Tuesday last week I had a blood test taken.  I was so worried that my veins wouldn’t hold up.  It’s been a while since I had anything stuck in them so the nurse used a butterfly which seemed to be the way forward. It was painless and I didn’t bruise at all.  Last time I had anything like a needle near me, I ended up so battered, bruised and screaming and that’s not attractive for anyone.  I did start to feel a bit weird once she’d finished but I think it was a bit of a panic attack rather than me going to faint.  I’ve turned into a proper bloody wuss since all my cancer stuff.  Can’t help it though.  Here is a picture of the butterfly. I will be asking for one of these every time in future!

I’ve got to ring for the results of my blood test tomorrow to see if there is any reason why my joints feel so achy and stiff.  I’m not letting it get me down though.  I will write another post tomorrow if there’s anything to tell!!!!  I’m hoping that walking will be good for my bones so I will carry on even if it hurts.  The only thing that I will have to do is put my arm in a scarf sling as I am supposed to have my lymphodemic arm across my body when I walk.  Otherwise it ends up hurting and swollen by the time I’ve finished my walk!

I think that is all there is to report since I last wrote.

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Anxiety……….what a pain!!!

Oooo well that was the week that was!  Work’s been fine and I’ve walked to work and back on Monday and then just to work on Wednesday and Thursday!  It takes about half an hour to get to work from my house and I really enjoyed the walk without any issues……..until Thursday!  I don’t know why or what happened but I was so anxious about walking, I felt sick, I was playing scenarios through my mind all the way!  It was so crap!  I can’t bear it when that happens and I end up getting so frustrated!  I got to work and cried and then cried some more, then got my shit together and got on with my day!!!!

Anxiety really is indiscriminate!  I have no idea where it came from.  I was feeling really happy and not really worrying about anything in particular!  Maybe going back to work after Easter and just being a bit more tired hasn’t helped.  However, I won’t let it stop me!

In Slimming World news, I gained half a lb!  What the actual fuck???  I couldn’t believe it.  I’ve been so good this week and with the walking, I thought I’d ace’d it!!!!  Oh well, I will not be beaten!  I shall be walking to work at least 3 times next week, weather permitting!  I don’t mind walking in the rain but the kids have so much stuff to take to school, if I made them walk and get wet, I might not be too popular!  Having said that I will see!  Maybe I need to man them up a bit!  Haha!

So having been to slimming world to receive that news, I headed on down to the all you can eat chinese restaurant with our prefects for their leavers meal!  There were 9 teachers and about 31 lads so we had a great time.  I did have to smile as the greasy food made it’s way onto the table!  They dish up a range of starters and I have to say, I only had a few nibbly bits.  I’m not overly fond of all of it so stuck to a rib, spring roll and chilli chicken!  It was very lovely!  Then came the duck course and luckily I don’t like it so I avoided that and just ordered a bit more chilli chicken and some satays. It’s all tapas sized portions so it’s never too much and you can keep ordering but I didn’t, I stuck with what I had!  Then I had some sweet and sour chicken and plain noodles!  I didn’t have anything else after that!  I always feel gross the next day after I eat greasy food.  I’m just not used to it any more!  I was right, I felt a bit bleugggghhhhh this morning.  A food hangover!  Not good!

I think I’ve been thinking too much about my boobs.  Sometimes it is all consuming so instead of just chilling out and letting life go on, I get a bit hung up on it!  I really do want my new ones but I wonder if I really want them!  After my post last week about fear and whether or not that’s what is stopping the weightloss!  I really do think that that has something to do with it!

I felt so frustrated this morning I was thinking about signing up for the Cambridge diet just so I can get this bloody weight off and then go back to slimming world once the op is done!  But then I think how far I’ve come.  2 stone is no mean feat and I’m proud of myself!  I just can’t be satisfied with what is, I always have to want more!  This only occurs with anything to do with me.  I’m not a wanter of more material things or money or anything!  I’m fine with all of that, but I am never satisfied with what I’m doing for myself!

I read on Facebook about someone creating a ‘sacred space’ in their house!  Somewhere where they can go and chill out in their own environment and make it serene and have what you want in that place.  So it could be candles, flowers, fluffy cushions and anything that makes the space their own.  I am going to look to do that in my lovely new bedroom!  I like flowers and candles and I think, if I keep my room tidy, it could be somewhere really nice for me to go to when I’m feeling stressed!  I definitely need that so when/if I do it I will report back!

So that’s it from me for now!  I will keep on keeping on and hopefully be getting somewhere a bit more positive over the weekend.

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

Some things…….

So I was right!  That 4lbs loss was a false reading!  I have still actually been as crap as before!  I didn’t go to group the week after as I was sorting the bedroom out!  So I did weigh myself and I’d managed to put 7lbs on in a week!  7lbs, shame I can’t get that off in a week!  Well I went to group this week and took a 3lb gain.  But that was actually alright because it meant I’d actually lost 4lbs again!  I’ve got to get my shit together I really have!  I was hoping to have lost 3 stone by my birthday but that won’t happen.

I read something this morning that really touched a nerve!

“It is by far easier to think than do. We should never underestimate our own capacity for self-sabotage, and if you keep trying and it’s not working maybe you don’t really want it. Frustration leads to change, change leads to new frustration. The last man on earth is perfect by comparison.”  

This is from an ex pupil who I am friends with on facebook!  It’s so bizarre to think that once upon a time I was giving him advice and help but this is the biggest gift I think this lovely young man could give me back.

I think I’ve mentioned fear a lot before in these recent blogs.  I’ve been facing the fact that actually I’m scared shitless about my reconstruction operation.  Looking at the part of the quote that says I don’t really want it isn’t exactly true but I think it’s fear that is stopping me from facing up to what I’ve got to do!  I was talking to my sw leader about this and saying that I will have an amazing week only to bugger it up nearer to weigh in day because I don’t want to have to make decisions.  It’s actually making myself realise that I don’t need to make decisions.  I need to look at the bigger picture!  I will be healthier, happier, alive longer for my children, lessen the risk of the cancer coming back, look lovely in the wedding pictures in August, look better for the hen do in July and be body beautifulish for my amazing holiday in Tenerife!  So I need to focus on the things that are not operation related because that is all enough as it is!

The plan is that I am going to up my exercise.  I need to walk more!  I’ve buggered up my shoulder and as I reported previously, when I swam I couldn’t walk because my back was so painful!  I hate the gym, other than rowing, so I think that’s out for now.  So rather than focussing on what I can’t do, I will focus on what I can do and that is walk to work at least 3 times a week!  The kids will have to walk to school and walk home which now the weather is better, shouldn’t be a big deal for them.

So this is where I’m at at the moment and at least I got my 2 stone award.  I am going to try try try to be on plan for the rest of the week now and get my arse in gear for reasons other than my boobs!!!!  It’s hard though!

I will leave it there for now!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

I’m just rubbish (sometimes!!!)

I’m feeling really rubbish this week!  I’ve been quite poorly with a shitty chest infection. I needed to take 3 days off work last week as whatever I had, wiped me out completely!  I ended up going to the doctors and having a weeks course of antibiotics which seems to have knocked it on the head but I still feel exhausted. To me, exhaustion means too much crappy food which means weight gain……..obviously……and then I just feel even more rubbish about myself.

So having a week of feeling crap meant that last week I lost 4lbs and finally got my 2 stone award at slimming world!  I was over the moon but it was tainted with the knowledge that being poorly had probably helped.  So this week has seen the eating of every bit of crap I can get my hands on!  I didn’t go to weigh in last night because I couldn’t bear the thought of a gain, plus the fact I was absolutely shattered and needed to continue with cleaning the house!

I had much of the bank holiday weekend on the sofa and in bed as I was feeling so tired still but I needed to crack on with the decoration of my bedroom ready for my new bed which has come today……yay!!!!  So this week has been busy and having now finished the decorating, I am knackered and can’t wait to get into said new bed!!!!  The kids are at their Dads until next Wednesday so I will be chilling out and doing a bit of thinking and re-evaluating.  I have a London trip on Monday and then a visit to a lovely friend in Croyden on Tuesday.

Here is the new room!!!

Sometimes I think I forget why I’m doing this weight loss lark.  Predominately, it is to have my breasts reconstructed!  That’s what I want so badly!  So what’s stopping me?  Who bloody knows!  I think I lose focus and even though I know that I have my consultant appointment coming up in September, it all just goes tits up (scuse the pun).

I have so many lovely things coming up this year!  Some of which are:

May – My 45th birthday!!!!  Eeeek

July – My cousins hen weekend in a spa (beautiful, thin and gorgeous ladies)

August – My cousins wedding

August – Holiday in Tenerife

September – Consultants appointment if I’ve lost 5 stone!!!!  Hahahahaha!

Why am I so down on myself all the time!  I really don’t know but I know that I need to get a grip on whatever it is that’s bringing me to the point of wanting to say fuck it, I can’t be dealing with this anymore!!!!

But you know what I do when I hit the bottom?  I claw my way back up until I’m where I want to be, so I am going to end this little self pity party and draw a line on the packet of biscuits I’ve just eaten and get my healthy food shop done and get my thin on tomorrow!!!!  Tomorrow will be a better day.  I will be rested and a bit more peaceful by then and will have had a chance to re-evaluate!  The other thing is to actually remember how far I’ve come!  I need this saying, below, tattooed on my brain!!!!

I just want to be honest in these ramblings of mine (if anyone actually reads it) so that I don’t lie to myself let alone anyone else!!!!  Haha!

This week will be a good one, because I will make it one!!!!

Until next time,

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

This is a real fight!!!!

This is a fight between my head, my body and my spirit at the moment!  My head is telling me that I want my reconstruction so badly, my body is telling my brain that I don’t really want it and my spirit is starting to break. Having said that I won’t break because I do want my new boobs and my body is just about helping me to hang in there!  I have such a lot to thank my body for!  I’ve managed to maintain this last 2 weeks.  The first week after the Manchester trip I totally didn’t deserve to maintain and then last week after a reasonable week I maintained again!  I do think that my Manchester weekend affected last week and I am happy with last weeks result.

I do think an element of my fight with myself at this time is the fact that I’m scared.  I’m shit scared!  I’m scared of surgery, I’m scared of what my life will be about once I’ve had the surgery, I’m scared about the boys leaving home………..I’m just scared.  Losing the weight means that I have to face all of these situations. I can’t bury my head in the sand forever though and about now is when I need to go up a gear.

So what am I going to do about it?  I am going to plan my food for the week, write down everything that goes in my mouth between now and Thursday and just do my best!  I am going to swim a couple of mornings this week too.  I’ve just got to get on with it!  I know once I start getting on with it, I will be fine and getting up a bit earlier will just become my new normal.  It’s a case of being a bit braver!

I should have a clear run at things this week.  No meals out or anything. I am also at the end of my christmas countdown and I have lost a total of 2.5lbs.  Whoopeee…..not great but at least I’m the right way rather than being up!

I need to reassess. What is it I want from the next month or so?  I would like to lose half a stone in that time. That should be achievable.  I’m going to get my 2 stone, that is such a milestone and one I’ve been trying to get since November on an off!!!  Haha!  Honestly you would never think it would be such a big deal but it seems it’s turning into one and it’s one that I need to deal with bloody quick.  If I can achieve it this week, I will be the happiest girl alive.

So the first thing to do is to get up tomorrow morning and swim.  I am going to start small and just do 20 minutes and then work up to half an hour.  The trouble is I’m not a great swimmer and whilst I really enjoy it I’m not sure how much good it does me from a weight loss point of view.  I work on the theory that any exercise you do above what you do in your normal life has got to be good right?

I having been doing battle with my anxiety quite a bit at the moment.  Having said that I’m really working on it.  I was a bit worried as I’d been having some rotten pain in my lower back and I was convinced it was kidney related. I went to the doctors and she said it’s my lower spine and this is the most common pain that people get.  I also said I was happy and that I was happy on the Citalopram.  She talked about lowering the dose but after the meltdown I had in October when I came off them completely, I think I’ll just keep them!!!!  One tablet to get me through the day, I do it!!!!

So hopefully the next time I write I will be able to give more positive news.  I’m on it!!!!

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx

It’s okay……..

So after my 4lb gain this week I seem to have found something within myself to say fuck it and lets crack on! I’m feeling really good about that gain if that makes sense at all!  I’ve reset, refocussed and I’m ready to kick this weight up the arse!  I feel almost as motivated as I did at the start!  Even if it has taken me nearly 7 months to lose almost 2 stone, I’m okay with that!  I haven’t gained it again and that’s a first for me!  I am the perfect example of a yo yo dieter.  I can’t remember a time when I didn’t worry about my weight and didn’t worry I was the fattest in the room.  I’m bored of that now, I need to change.  I’ve found something that works for me and I’m really happy about it!  I think I’m scared of losing the weight because I might change who I am.  I’ve always been a fat happy person, hiding behind a different persona!  Well I’m actually looking forward to not being fat any more!

I’ve decided that I am going to put my consultant appointment for recon back to December at least to give myself more time!  I’ve accepted the weight isn’t going to fall off and that’s fine!  I’ve added a few more things to my inspiration board and my new goal is to have lost 3 stone total by my birthday!  That’s 11 weeks to lose just under a stone and a half.  I should be able to do that easily!  I feel like I’ve got over whatever mental block was there this last few weeks!  In fact I haven’t really done any good since November!  But that’s okay because I’m far and away better off than I was this time last year!!!!!

I absolutely love the above quote so much, I posted it on our sw page because I think we need to really realise that every little bit of a move forward is a positive one!

We had a lovely evening last night.  2 of my gorgeous friends who are also doing sw came around and we did a come dine with me style evening!  Here are the piccies of the food we had!

Starter was a cheese, bacon and herb souffle:

Main was pulled pork, homemade coleslaw and slimming world chips:

Pudding was plum custard pot with vanilla creme fraiche and crumbled ginger nut:

This whole meal was 9 syns!  Diet?  What diet!  This was amazing and so lovely to share such awesome food with such amazing friends.  It was great!

So onward into my week I go.  I’m going to be reporting an awesome loss on Thursday!

Until then……………

Lots of love,

Viv xxxxx